While the above review covers some excellent topics, seven
take-aways for me about communication were:
Amygdala Hijack: the way our brains shut off the “delay and
think mode” and goes right into “react mode.” when we sense
a threat. Your ability to reason drops, working memory
falters and stress hormones flush your system, preventing
rational, logical thinking.
Many of the approaches to deal with angry, fearful or resistant
people aim to prevent amygdala hijack. Great story about
Tiger Woods and Earl Woods explains this.
Mirror neurons 2 : Humans have brain neurons which senses
mirror like behaviors and poses. It may suggest how we
reveal we care about others or they care about us in
situations where we
tear up when someone is kind
express warm feeling when someone understands us
are moved when someone asks ‘are you ok”
His suggestions are:
State something that shows agreement and understanding
of another person.
Say something indicating, I believe in you.
Empathy jolt: Generating a change in brain operations
by taking a person out of an “anger mode” and shifting to
“empathetic behavior,” in other words from “me-centered”
Empathetic feeling is a sensory experience in the nervous
system. Anger is a motor reaction to some perceived hurt
or injury. By taking an angry person to empathetic behavior
they shift from the motor brain to the sensory brain.
VCP Process: networking process identified by Ivan
Misner of BNI to be more effective at making connections.
VISIBILITY - CREDIBILITY - PROFITABILITY
V: express more than who you are and what you want.
Instead tell why they will like you. Be ‘interested’ rather
than ‘interesting.’ Talk about other people’s businesses more
than yours. Ask questions and avoid cutting their answers
C: 1)Confirm rather than assume what the person wants,
expects or needs. 2)Meet promises made. 3)Focus on
what is in it for the other person, not for you. 4) Go to
extra lengths to satisfy the client.
P: Focus on making the new connection interesting,
valuable and understood. The new connection will be either
giver, taker or reciprocator. Learn who is a “giver” and
“reciprocator.” Know that Good connections take time.
Relinquish connection with “taker.”
Goal Setting: Set specific targets and write out a
step-by-step plan. Plan to follow it with certain
check points. Write out your goal and plan.
Share your plan and steps with others. Have regular
check-ins with a respected person. Thank the person.
Keep toxic people from derailing your plan.
Physical: define cues and timing
Emotional: define specific descriptive words- anger,
Impulse: learn feelings that lead to impulses
Consequence: If I follow through, what will happen?
Solution: A better thing to do would be to….
Benefit: If I do that better thing, the benefit will be…
Meeting top people: Some possible situations to consider–
seminars and panel discussions— ask good questions that
make them look good (mirror neuron empathy),
charity events book signings— ask what did you learn about
success from your dad or mother?
Working with Gatekeepers: People who protect the
attention of top people. They are often overworked and
under appreciated. Make them feel felt and significant.